I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
