Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize