My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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