Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
