If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
