I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
