he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize