No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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