I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The beer is more important than you right now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
