Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
