It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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