so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
