We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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