I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
