He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
