Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
