i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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