I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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