she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
