is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
