Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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