the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
