the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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