Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
