its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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