living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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