I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
