tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
