idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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