Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
