I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
