I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
