Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
