chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize