Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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