she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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