im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
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