speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
