Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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