its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
