My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
