The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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