Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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