so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
