My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
