I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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