Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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