well I can't set my house on fire every night
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
