Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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