My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
