no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
