I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
