the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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