She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
