At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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