i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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